Existing..

Have you ever felt left without purpose? Just kind of drifting, existing, wondering what your next step in life is. I have been feeling like that for the last year. I've been restless, confused, lacking direction and freaking out. Now, anybody who knows me, knows I'm a talker. A chatty kathy some would say, but only the people who really know me, know that if something is really eating at me, I don't talk about it. I obsess about it, I try keeping myself busy so I don't focus on it, but it never works. Honestly, I think I'm making myself sick. I'm worrying about everything and anything. And the words I keep hearing over and over are "You of little faith"! He's right you know. I have the smallest faith EVER. AND I feel insanely guilty about it. I mean my Father has always been there and came through at the last minute for me. He likes to see me freak, or He's trying to teach me not to. :-/ Ugh....I fell the test every time too, "...whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and He knows everything." 1 John 3:20

I have a friend who always tests me. It annoys me like he'll never know, they're so predictable. But I was thinking the other day how much I do that myself. I test everyone even God because I have a trust issues. I'm one of those girls who have been mistreated, abandoned, and rejected. I could go into story after story during my whole life, but in the end it's those experiences that helped me develop my horrible trust issues. I'm reading the book "Captivating" for the third time. Yes, I said Third, because I have to continue to remind myself who God intended me to be. I recommend every girl and guy to read it. Guys you'll understand the girls you date better and girls you're understand yourself better. The whole time I read the book I have to fight back tears because it hits the nail on the head. So, when the enemy is attacking me with my MAJOR trust issues I start worrying about my life. Because after all I only trust and depend on myself. I'm a thinker an analyzer of people's behavior as well as my own. So, I decided to stop all this crap and stop just existing the other day. I have let the enemy eat at me too much already. I was not made to drift and exist. To walk around confused and waiting for some great universal sign to come along. I was created to walk step by step towards my Father's purpose. "I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them." Isaiah 42:16 As I'm reading that verse, I can't help but tear up. Why does He love me so much? How do I trust it when almost everybody else in my life that meant anything, hurt me? I read His word over and over - and he never stops saying how much I mean to Him. How crazy is that? The maker of this universe loves me. He hurts when I hurt. He suffers when I suffer. He cries when I cry, which tends to be alot lately. I blame it on years of hiding how I truly felt about things. You know, that's how you know if somebody loves you. If you're hurting, they'll hurt too.

So, I keep feeling Him say it's time for a change. It's time for me to focus on Him. It's time for me to get my act together, let go of all my silly issues and trust Him for once in my life. He doesn't deserve my tests. He's proven Himself to me over and over. It's going to be a day by day, letting go of self, and embracing His purpose for me. I think I'm starting to see it...which means alot of change in the next year. I'm scared but excited at the same time. So, 2009 is right around the corner. Are you having a hard time focusing too? Are you just drifting and existing? I say we all make a new years resolution that everyday of 2009 is full of purpose. Set goals to continue to challenge yourself and your walk. My first goal is running 10 miles in April. My second goal is getting my PHR. But of course my ultimate goal is having a walk full of faith and trust. Maybe I can help to encourage some of you during this upcoming year of purpose. Maybe some of you can encourage me. :-) I love you all my beloveds....

Theme song of this post is 'Lessons Learned' by Carrie Underwood. :-)