Begin Again...

To any girl who has survived a broken heart, you'll love this song. The deepest wish even for the most jaded among us is to be proven wrong in the area of Love and this song talks about just that. Heartbreaking relationships can leave you hurt, guarded and without hope....but every now & then someone comes along to heal the damage left by others...he's called a White Knight. :-) Here's hoping we all meet our Knights, because we're worth it. 

A Final Goodbye...

Me, my Grandma, my Mom, cheesy smile sister, & my aunt Linda

It's sad how time can go so fast and I had a painful reminder of that this past weekend. While in Tampa for my friends wedding I received some very sad news, my grandmother passed away. My grandma passing is what I like to call a painful blessing. You see she has been suffering from Alzheimer's and for the last three years she hasn't remembered who I was. I wrote a post a few years ago called 'The Long Goodbye', so I thought it was only appropriate that I write about my final goodbye.

I hate crying...if someone can be bad at crying, then that's me. I hate it, so much so that when I cry I always feel sick for a few days. It takes so much energy out of me, because I have this overwhelming need to be strong all the time and when I give into the emotion I feel weak. One of my favorite songs is 'Smile' by Charlie Chaplin. 'Smile, though your heart is aching, Smile, even though it’s breaking, When there are clouds in the sky you’ll get by'...and so on. So, to hear my grandma passed away two hours before my friends wedding kinda knocked me on my butt. I just kept thinking..'Smile Melinda, deep breathes...don't think about Grandma, this is a happy day no tears.' My throat killed because the knot in it hurt so bad. But it was a happy day for many reasons, 1. my friends were getting married such a happy event and 2. because my grandma wasn't in pain anymore. The overwhelming relief of her suffering being over was beyond unbearable. She's now with my grandfather in Heaven, the love of her life. The man she spent 57 years with...but those happy thoughts couldn't undo a broken heart.

Me & my Grandma (I think my lips are still that size)

                              
To be accurate, my hearts been breaking for three years every time I thought of my grandmother and now it's time for that heart to heal. I don't want to go through the sadness of the funeral with you or talk about my grandmother in that nursing home not knowing who she was or who we were. I want to honor my grandma's memory by remembering her for the person she was. The person I will never forget. I remember so many things....

This pic cracks me up...

I remember how warm and soft she was when I would cuddle next to her as a little girl and fall asleep.
I remember how she would let me help her make homemade biscuits.
I remember how she loved surprises.
I remember when I knew my grandparents were coming to visit, I would watch out my window for hours until I saw their car turn the corner, then run as fast as I could to greet them.
I remember her love for country music, afterall she was a country girl.
I remember her protecting me from being bullied from the other grandkids.
I remember how she would always talk during my favorite TV show. (man, I hated that. lol)
I remember how she wasn't afraid of anything especially dog's who were giving her attitude & 'talking back to her'. lol
I remember walking into the small farmhouse in TN after working at my internship in Nashville and seeing my grandparents asleep on the couch with my grandma's head laying in my papaw's lap. Such a sweet memory...
I remember having my arms around my heartbroken grandma while I told her how much I loved her over the casket of my grandfather, then making her smile when I cracked a joke about how much Papaw would of hated the fuss.
I remember the last real conversation I had with my Grandma before I lost her to the disease. She pulled me aside with tears falling down her cheeks told me she didn't want me to be alone. She told me I needed to find a man who would love me like my grandfather loved her for 57 years. I told her men like Papaw don't seem to exist anymore. She told me she hoped at least a few were still around, because I was beautiful and deserved to be loved like that. She told me to stop being so hard on men, because I had to let somebody in.

Opening presents Christmas morning with Grandma

I remember so many other things about my grandma, but there isn't enough time in the world to explain how lucky I was to have her in my life. She was so tough and that woman loved her family more than anything. I pray my grandma's wish for me does come true, I'll find a man like my papaw someday, but it saddens me he'll never know how wonderful my grandparents were. I can't help but think if a special guy comes walking into my life it had to be from a little push from my grandma above.

My Grandparents having their 50th Anniversary portrait taken. Papaw couldn't wait to get that tie off.

I find such overwhelming peace knowing that my final goodbye isn't really final at all. I'll see my grandparents again. They'll meet me together at Heaven's gate. I look forward to that day, but until than I'll cherish the memories of the world's best grandparents. I am a very blessed girl and having them for grandparents is just more proof of how much God loves me. Things of this world will fall into dust, but someone's legacy of Love will always remain for those left behind to carry it on and carry it on we will.